Looking Forward to Marriage, not the Wedding

Last night I said these words to Amanda. Over the past few weeks there have been moments where I have dreaded our wedding day. I, without doubt, want to marry Amanda. However, on our wedding day my heart will be filled with not only joy, but also grief. It is the grief for those not there. We are both sad that some of our family can't make it, and we will miss them tremendously. For me, the person I will miss the most will be my dad.

Anytime we go through life events and transitions, grief creeps back in ever so slowly till we acknowledge it. Last night I acknowledged part of it with Amanda. We have had surface conversations around the subject of how we will walk down the aisle at church but we haven't sat and talked about it. Amanda has always said that she wants her father to walk her down the aisle, I am very supportive of this. Her father is a great man and I am honored that he will be my father-in-law. When it comes to who walks me down the aisle, there is a hole. When my sister got married in 2012, my uncle walked her down the aisle. My aunt and uncle don't have any girls so this was a great honor for him.

I would give anything to have my father beside me on this day. There have been so many experiences he has missed since his accidental death in 1999: my graduations, my sister's graduation from high school, my sister's wedding, the upcoming birth of my sister's daughter, and the chance to meet Amanda. I know that my father would have loved her as his own. My dad had the biggest heart.

I am still not sure how I am going to walk down the aisle, you will just have see on June 14th. There may be a moment where I get choked up thinking about my dad, but I won't hide it. It needs to be acknowledged, grief always needs to be acknowledged. I know the moment will then pass and I will be filled with joy. Even though part of me isn't looking forward to the wedding, 99% of me is. On our wedding day, I get to marry my best friend, the love of my life. That day will mark the start of our life together forever and all the hopes and dreams that come with it: a home, children, grandchildren, a puppy or two, etc. Even though my dad won't be here to celebrate with us, I know he is proud of me, of us, and the family we will become.